Codependency or codependence is a tendency to act overly passive or excessively caretaking. This behavior adversely impacts an individual’s relationships and quality of life. It typically involves continuously placing one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the requirements of others. It is often referred to as The Disease to Please. Codependency is sometimes known as a “relationship addiction” because neither person can function well without the other. Problems arise when one person takes advantage of another, and the relationship gradually becomes emotionally harmful. The term codependency came out of the addiction area originally. The alcoholic relies on alcohol and creates destructive actions associated with alcohol consumption, a compulsive dependency. On the other hand, family members become dependent on the alcoholic or codependent and create harmful habits related to coping with painful repercussions. They are attempting to help eliminate the alcoholic’s alcohol consumption and trying to live a life while they’re doing all of this. We know that Codependent patterns can happen in any relationship: in families, at work, in relationships, and romantic, peer or community relationships. We know that people in helping careers have an increased tendency toward codependent habits. In some cases, codependent individuals look very good or perhaps noble because of their good deeds, but when we get closer and see more details, we can understand why. These problems do not mean a codependent person is wrong, sick, or inferior. Some are learned behaviors from childhood training, some are gained from an incorrect interpretation of Christianity or another religion, and some are characteristics taught as desirable feminine qualities. Many of us learned these patterns as a way to survive in a dysfunctional family, or under a repressive political regime. Most of these actions were done out of necessity for defense and to get emotional needs met. It is tough to cope with sick, disturbed, or distressed people. It is horrible having to live with a raving alcoholic or a depressed person. Many have been trying to cope with outrageous situations. These efforts have been both remarkable and also heroic. Most people do the best they can. It is natural to want to help your child struggling or suffering. But when addiction is involved, it’s an entirely different problem. We are dealing with a progressive bio/psycho/social/spiritual brain disorder that requires severe actions for the whole family. So, self-protective behaviors typically outgrow their effectiveness and even become destructive. Many codependents barely survive, and most are not getting their needs met. It has been said that codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t meet needs. The majority of codependents do the wrong things for the right reasons. The fallacy of codependency is trying to subordinate interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.
Codependency is constantly about controlling and eliminating self-esteem. Control, or lack of it, is the codependent’s primary concern in every facet of life. One may be addicted to another person in such a tangled way that their individuality and self-esteem are severely restricted and crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems. Some codependent people are like vacuum cleaners out of control, attracting others to themselves as well as alcohol/drugs, uncontrollable behaviors like shopping, work, church activities, food and money or sexuality to fill the void within the vacant location. Some codependents are overly needy and attach themselves like “umbilical cords” to other people and unconsciously try to suck the life out of others in a desperate attempt to fill the void. We all feel controlled by people and circumstances at times, but codependents feel this way ALL the time. Our goal is to be mutually interdependent, not codependent needing to fill our needs with others. Without help or knowledge or coming to the awareness of this, individuals residing in this pattern can have many unfortunate results:
- Denial, depression, stress-related illnesses.
- Divorce & relationship problems.
- Substance abuse & other addictive behaviors that mask deep codependent pain.
- Compulsive behaviors developed to provide pseudo-relief from the codependent’s drive to maintain everything in their life under control – cleaning, workaholism, over commitments.