It depends…
There are two kinds of secrets, good and bad.
The good ones are those with good intentions, like organizing a birthday party or taking your significant one on a surprise trip.
The nasty secrets are those that put pressure on your conscience. What can happen if you keep bad secrets?
- You Harm Your Relationship A recent research study shows that those who keep secrets from their spouse reported being less comfortable accepting compassion from their partner, obtaining less pleasure out of social activities, and being extra curious about self-punishing activities like isolation and receiving criticism.
- You Will Have Health Problems More than a hundred research studies have revealed a consistent pattern: if your best method of handling problems is bottling them up, you will certainly have problems. Not discussing your difficulties is correlated with health problems and lower life fulfillment.
- You Become More Incoherent Checking what you say so you don’t tell a secret is cognitively draining. In a recent study, the researcher told subjects not to use the words “breakfast” or “consequently” and then asked them questions. Cognitive performance on a series of subsequent tasks dropped considerably. When we have to choose every word we say, we become less bright fast.
- You will feel miserable when alone Conversations are a small part of your day, but guilt can be limitless. The more unresolved an issue is, the more embarrassment, shame, and anxiety we feel.
Does sharing the secret with others help? Yes. Researchers found that the more people divulge, the healthier and better their relationships are. Vulnerability typically makes people like us even more. When determining whether or not to open up, treat the concern of “What will people think of me?” as an honest, genuine inquiry rather than a terrifying rhetorical one. Now I’m not saying all secrets will be well received; however, the studies show that those close to you are far more understanding than you would expect. Your friends are much more likely to say, “I’ve had an experience like that too.”
What do I do when I have secrets I can’t share with everybody? The research shows that the more unethical a secret is, the more shame you feel. The more singular and personal it is, the more isolated a secret makes you. And even more, if a secret is emotional vs. logical, the less understanding, you have of it. There are three ways that secrets often hurt us: embarrassment, solitude, and absence of understanding. Ask yourself:
Does this secret hurt anyone? If your secret hurts no one, it is best to permit yourself to carry on.
Is anyone you know protected by this secret? If the secret safeguards or benefits another person, you can find solace in knowing that this activity isn’t simply self-centered, however wrong it may be.
Do you have any insight into it? Understanding why you are keeping a secret makes you feel more in control of the problem and better handle it.
With whom can I share my secrets?- Someone Connected To You. Share your secrets with someone compassionate, assertive, and decisive someone who will press you to discover solutions and do something about it. There is something that you do not want in confidantes: gossip and moral judgment.
- Someone Not Connected To You. If you hesitate that someone spreading your secret would kill you, telling an unfamiliar person, a therapist, or a stranger in a doctor’s waiting room can give you an easy ride. You get the secret off your chest, yet the threats become minimal.
There is nobody I would feel comfortable talking to. What do I do? Write about your secret if you feel that talking to someone will hurt you or that person. The University of Texas at Austin professor James Pennebaker has discovered that writing about our problems can have effects similar to therapy. It can help you prevent those adverse health problems associated with bottling things up. This is an excellent choice and highly secure. However, you don’t have all the advantages of sharing your secret with a real person. Writing doesn’t offer the emotional support a pal can. Writing can be a helpful mental disinfectant if speaking to a person doesn’t seem realistic.
What should I do with your good secrets? It is an excellent idea to keep positive things a surprise. It makes them less predictable for others and gives them a more significant impact, usually reserved for the bad. Make the great moments as unique as the sad ones, and you have a prescription for joy. We need to hold on to those good secrets just like we need to open up about the negative ones.
If you are ready to open up about things that bother you, I will provide the most confidential and supportive environment you have ever had. Call me today and find out if we can work together.
